this is what i do.
5:44AM, shivering in my living room, lights on. obnoxiously. i want him to know, even subconsciously.
i can’t fight, there’s no true battle there, just masks of armor on a dumb little brain, protecting a lost heart, living a ritual of confidence,
i probably spend more time in angst, when i ‘love’ you
but when i stop caring, the ‘love’ is there
is this fucking love?
what is this psychosis in my brain, that is the opposite of unemotional recognition, but a heavily weighted sentience. that seeking of union is so strong, like suffocating a baby, loved, smothered.
i’m treated like he treats his cat. smothers me, where i’m crying uncomfortably, then left with space.
there’s a space between us all week.
my lips are dry.
is my shitty attitude, perpetually upset with something, the egg to this cycle?
am i perpetually disappointed with you as a person? as a boyfriend? as a lover
as a friend. as my man.
what are these labels?
and why does a label tarnish a connection.
i think we’re seeking this safe place to pump our heart
the “safe” is the match up..
i’m not feeling safe
where is love, and what is safety…
not sure if the ease and comfort of love, warms my heart to expand, or it eases it to retreat in a child state.
isn’t a child-like heart something that’s strived for? and my gentle heart cowers at its own palpitations, the second pulse being softer than the first..
i float on in an echo of pulses, down a hallway of reflections
am i perpetually upset with something in general? is that my critical eye, the writer’s voice, the artistic angle, perspective.. in that case, yes, of course. i look at life, love it, view it with a perspective, squeeze it, twist it, react, respond..
when i’m not fucked right, i get upset.
and i respect my anger, even when he thinks i’m being mad for nothin.
i don’t think it’s from nothin. i do think i want to find a way to be more confident and less affected by insecurities of not being desirable when i’m not being devoured by my lover.
point blank. and reacting in negative ways that turn off the love cycle.
remember the perspective of love and abundance in my life.
hello. i made that pact with myself. to have a certain perspective. to be married to the present. i did this last spring. now it’s winter, in the new year. and he’s in my bed.
and our romantic love story hit a road bump, and i feel like i’m the only one who feels it, and then we both feel it, because of me.
am i investigating deep vibes and pulling them to surface
or, am i “making shit out of nothing” like he says i do..
the need for validation for my emotions. maybe there are certain things i gotta deal with within myself, and not bring them to the relationship table.
i feel that i’ve successfully done that before. the word boyfriend is a lot. and when theres a cost to me..i get turned off.
maybe i should just ride the vibe. stay married to the present. be forgiving and honest. with myself. i know how must resistance i feel with him for various things that make me feel uncomfortable. i don’t want the discomfort in my vibe.
i just want to be loved.
in order to be loved,
we must love.